Monday, December 19, 2005

Reprised for the Nescient

A shortage of time, energy, and inspiration combined with dismal fourth quarter sales has forced me to offer a reprised post from a year ago:



Alright.

So there are an astounding number of blind little sheep who seem remarkably dedicated to contributing nothing substantial towards society. Their purpose is markedly singular - They exist simply to consume and to provide fleece for the shepherd.

Fair enough. If the life of livestock is perfectly acceptable to you, who am I to argue? If the shepherd points towards the green pastures of "The Mall" and offers you an all you can buy buffet how could you possibly be expected to resist?

Having come to the conclusion that I am not content to live life simply as a sheep, and having determined that except for a few notable exceptions most of the planet is, indeed, quite satisfied with the status quo there is only one viable option left open to me.

I shall become "The Shepherd".

Cast off all your previous ties. Renounce your loyalty to the Vatican, the Illuminati, the Freemasons, Bushco, your Satanic Cult, and any other ineffectual affiliations. Follow me to peace, happiness, and hedonsim. Let me lead you to glory and euphorically towards Utopia. Give me your fleece and fear not, for I shall provide sanctuary against the evils of the world.

Join the ever-growing ranks of "The Agnostic Coalition of Insightful Deviants Tenaciously Restoring Intelligence to the Planet."

Be one of the first to bask in the light of A.C.I.D T.R.I.P. Experience the delight as you open your mind to new and wonderous visions. Rejoice as I guide you safely through the maze that once was your carpet. Let me lead you on your journey towards the scintillating lights. Allow me to open your eyes to sensations you've only dreamed of. Come with me and Break on through to the Other Side.

Tired of the fear of a burning torment for all eternity in hell? Too busy to be bothered with Confessing your sins? Unable to properly mix a martini? Still confused about the literal meanings of unclear religious texts? Apathetic towards environmental issues? Experiencing troubles in your Ethics 101 classes? Excessively over medicated and too weary to care? Never heard of Clamato? Still haven't received your free I-Pod? Still trying to discern if it's Less filling, or Tastes Great?

I can help!

Act now, and become one of the enlightened and blessed souls who fear not the process of natural selection! Come, join me, be well and prosper!

It can all be yours for only 666 easy payments of $19.99.

Imagine, eternal, panoptic pleasure for under $14,000!

Nowhere else are you likely to find such an amazing offer.

For more information on how you can join the craze sweeping the nation please inquire to
burningtorment@hotmail.com.

Sincerely yours,

The "Not-Quite-Center of the Universe",

Sardonic Vexation.

34 Comments:

Blogger mcbickle said...

okay. now wait a minute. you had to advertise this again?

didn't we all agree that we would be your wives, oh, about six months ago?

really, vex. what else can we do?

2:53 PM  
Blogger Hermes said...

Kind of like that infomercial with the loud, abrasive man dressed in that green suit with all of the question marks on it.

What the FUCK is that guy selling anyways?

11:42 PM  
Blogger zydeco fish said...

This is a great idea. If I repost entries, I could keep my blog going for 2 and a half more years. Thanks for the fabulous idea.

9:04 AM  
Blogger colonialave said...

Your pitch is intriguing. . . . however, I hate Clamato.

Unless you're willing to exchange that fowl tasting mixer, to top shelf vodka, you're getting no money from me.

Whaddya say, Vex? Cut me a deal. Release me from this cloak of fluff that defines my conformity.

8:30 AM  
Blogger zydeco fish said...

Back again. Do I have to sign in blood?

12:25 PM  
Blogger Vexation said...

Mc: What else can you do? Send money and offer up your undying, devoted love and affection.

Hermes: Everyone is selling something. The Joker in the Green Suit seems to be selling secrets of how to get free money from the government - Which I can only assume means he will shortly be taking an extended vacation to Guantanamo...

Mr. Fish: You're welcome. I find it helps to dull creative tendencies and provides me with a little extra free time to waste my life away.

Colonialave: Of course darling. But lets keep it our little secret shall we? Allow one person their originality and suddenly everyone wants to be unique. Ineffective cult management really.

12:34 PM  
Blogger extraspecialbitter said...

Remember: it's not a cult if it has tax-exempt status.

11:34 AM  
Blogger Xtine said...

happy holidays...?

2:44 PM  
Blogger Sigurd said...

Its about time. This must be the post-post-post modern anti-existential unintentional pre-historical hysterectomy movement. Will these synthesis ever end!

8:57 PM  
Blogger Mister Underhill said...

I always thought it was odd to define someone's worth in terms of their contribution to society. I mean without its memebrs a society is just sort of like a party thrown by nerds and no one shows up.

Obviously, the only substantive measure of a person's worth is their penis girth. Or, for women, the size, firmness and shape of their breasts.

2:01 PM  
Blogger sheleena said...

i would be the black sheep at the centre of the universe.

8:42 PM  
Blogger 1 said...

business indeed must be going south....

even you are recruiting. damn.

6:19 AM  
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