Monday, December 19, 2005

Reprised for the Nescient

A shortage of time, energy, and inspiration combined with dismal fourth quarter sales has forced me to offer a reprised post from a year ago:



Alright.

So there are an astounding number of blind little sheep who seem remarkably dedicated to contributing nothing substantial towards society. Their purpose is markedly singular - They exist simply to consume and to provide fleece for the shepherd.

Fair enough. If the life of livestock is perfectly acceptable to you, who am I to argue? If the shepherd points towards the green pastures of "The Mall" and offers you an all you can buy buffet how could you possibly be expected to resist?

Having come to the conclusion that I am not content to live life simply as a sheep, and having determined that except for a few notable exceptions most of the planet is, indeed, quite satisfied with the status quo there is only one viable option left open to me.

I shall become "The Shepherd".

Cast off all your previous ties. Renounce your loyalty to the Vatican, the Illuminati, the Freemasons, Bushco, your Satanic Cult, and any other ineffectual affiliations. Follow me to peace, happiness, and hedonsim. Let me lead you to glory and euphorically towards Utopia. Give me your fleece and fear not, for I shall provide sanctuary against the evils of the world.

Join the ever-growing ranks of "The Agnostic Coalition of Insightful Deviants Tenaciously Restoring Intelligence to the Planet."

Be one of the first to bask in the light of A.C.I.D T.R.I.P. Experience the delight as you open your mind to new and wonderous visions. Rejoice as I guide you safely through the maze that once was your carpet. Let me lead you on your journey towards the scintillating lights. Allow me to open your eyes to sensations you've only dreamed of. Come with me and Break on through to the Other Side.

Tired of the fear of a burning torment for all eternity in hell? Too busy to be bothered with Confessing your sins? Unable to properly mix a martini? Still confused about the literal meanings of unclear religious texts? Apathetic towards environmental issues? Experiencing troubles in your Ethics 101 classes? Excessively over medicated and too weary to care? Never heard of Clamato? Still haven't received your free I-Pod? Still trying to discern if it's Less filling, or Tastes Great?

I can help!

Act now, and become one of the enlightened and blessed souls who fear not the process of natural selection! Come, join me, be well and prosper!

It can all be yours for only 666 easy payments of $19.99.

Imagine, eternal, panoptic pleasure for under $14,000!

Nowhere else are you likely to find such an amazing offer.

For more information on how you can join the craze sweeping the nation please inquire to
burningtorment@hotmail.com.

Sincerely yours,

The "Not-Quite-Center of the Universe",

Sardonic Vexation.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Musical Interlude

Cocaine plays on a cold and snowy winter evening. A nearby streetlight illuminates snowflakes falling outside. Bookmarking my page I rise from the sofa and stand silently observing the peace and quiet that has enveloped my neighbourhood. If only for a moment, all feels well with the world. I smile. A true, genuine smile, different from the one I've grown accustomed to using to mask my disdain for humanity. A solitary moment during which the loathing ceases.

The music changes to Paranoid Android. My gaze flickers down the street and notes the distinct lack of blinking lights. It seems the recent cold snap has prevented the local sheep from delving into the basement to uncover cheap ornamentations from where they lay buried for the past twelve months. I know that nearby some jackass is peering miserably out at the cold. He awaits the moment he can venture forth and cover his house in bright flashing lights will become a magical statement expressing his obvious christmas spirit and that the rest of us will overlook the fact that for the remainder of the year he is, in fact, still a jackass. I've never met the man, yet I suspect if I did he would be clad in clothing of Peacock Blue. Unless it is a woman in which case the bitch is probably wearing white after Labour Day.

Music is the Victim. My mind foolishly fixates on the the thought of the impending decorations. I attempt to suppress the hope that the lights he has purchased are of the recalled Costco variety and that upon plugging them in he (or she) will enjoy a moment of happiness before they sputter and spark and his whole world once more grows dim. The attempt at suppression fails. Instead I smile.

My reverie is broken slightly as I hear The Unconditional Discipline of the Bastard Prince. I pause for a second before I turn to glare at the stereo, somehow expecting it to offer up excuses as to how that made it onto my playlist. It stares stoically back as though daring me to say something. I refrain, not so much from fear that speaking to inanimate objects may make me appear somewhat insane, but because by the time my mind formulates a suitable reprimand the song has switched to

Fear the Voices. Something in my head tells me there is some hidden meaning to be found in that. I ignore it and return my focus to the world outside my window. An elderly man has braved the cold and is shoveling his walk. An unexpected sight. One that seems to me to be a pointless endeavour considering the snow is still falling. I put odds on the sound of metal scraping on concrete that awakens me at six in the morning is caused by the same man.

Psalm 69. Christmas music I don't expect to hear being piped into the malls this Holiday season brings back memories of a youth gone slightly awry. Once again I smile and begin to wonder why humans don't hibernate. My mind becomes a befuddled mess of impossibilities and improbabilities. Dwelling on things I have lost and those I never tried to gain. I struggle with the uncertainty of a hundred "What If's" before...

Let The Good Times Roll forces another smile to my face, this one slightly tainted with a tinge of wryness.
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