Thursday, October 21, 2004

Tanqueray and Chronic

The morning coffee.

A ritual I have come to look forward to most mornings (Or afternoons as the case may sometimes be). Thus I was noticeably distraught to realize that nowhere in the house was I likely to find a warm caffeinated beverage. I was forced to travel through the cold and snow to the nearest coffee shop.

It appears I was not the only one faced with such a dilemma. Far too many of the annoyingly pompous corporate consumers had descended upon the downtown core. One in particular managed to attract my attention. The lady with the bleached-blonde hair that pulled her nice shiny BMW into the handicapped stall and dashed in to get her "Half-caf, low fat latte". Immediately she made it abundantly clear that she was a very busy and important lady and did not have time to stand in line with the rest of us peons. I, being a consummate gentleman, was kind enough to move aside and allow Middle-aged Barbie to bark commands to the staff. I patiently endured a quaint little tirade about how the amount of time it takes to steam milk is "Absolutely Ridiculous." I continued to patiently wait as she rummaged through her purse for a few minutes to dig out exact change and then I watched as she scurried back to her car complaining on how they always make it "Far too hot." (I have noticed this frightening trend myself - I'm beginning to think they may be using boiled water and steamed milk in the latte).

Approximately forty-five seconds later I received my own disturbingly warm cup of coffee and proceeded towards the door. To my overwhelming amusement Ms. High and Mighty had not yet moved her car. Judging from the conversation she was having on her cell phone her "Significant Other" was in a moderate amount of trouble for not having the number to BMW Assist on speed dial for situations when she has locked her keys in the car. It was also very clear that her entire day was completely ruined.

Sweet Justice.

I'm not exactly sure why it is that displays of wealth such as a BMW or an over-priced suit allow people to forfeit basic niceties and good manners, but I suspect it is similar to why a seven year education seems to imply some sort of mystical intelligence. Personal experience has led me to the highly enlightened conclusion that this is not always so. Scattered about the planet there is a plethora of wealthy, excessively accessorised, well educated people cruising about in over-priced vehicles and clad in $900 casual ensembles. These people are still fully capable of being "stupid". Not to mention being rude and generally nasty. Regardless, they still seem to expect us peasants to bow down and kiss the ground upon which they walk.

I think its the tangible air of arrogance that tends to follow them around that bothers me the most. The supercilious demeanor and shocking vanity tends to fill me with a feeling of loathing and contempt. And I suppose that somehow my disdain for them makes me equally guilty.

More morology lessons to follow...


Thursday, October 14, 2004

"Whatever gets you through the day."

It's refreshing to know that the education system here is still working wonders with the youth in today’s world. I never cease to be amazed by their incredible ability to make change from a Ten in less than ten minutes. I realize the intense pressure they are under to correctly subtract the $5.99 you owe for your purchase, so I quite understood when the young lady returned a five-dollar bill and a penny back to me.

I was not, however, prepared to endure an argument when I pointed out the error. My intention was not to cause trouble for the young lady in any way. It was definitely not my intention to have to speak to the manager when she staunchly defended her skills at math. Yet the manager appeared, almost magically, the third time I offered a dollar back to the cashier.

The nice cashier was kind enough to explain the situation for me. I was simply required to nod my agreement to her statement. Then the nice manager took my dollar, apologized for the inconvenience and wished me a good day.

Now I find myself feeling somehow guilty. For the amount of trouble it caused, and the aftermath my mind has decided would result, I may have been better off to simply have wandered away with an extra buck in my pocket.

Deep inside I know I would likely have felt equally guilty wandering off with the extra buck in my pocket. At least I attempted to do the right thing, but currently I am reminded once again of the old adage "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

Next topic:

Home in two days. It's strange. Even though I am looking forward to going home more than I usually am, I have an uncomfortable feeling of apprehension. Stranger yet - This feeling seems disinclined to fade away politely as they always have in the past. It insists on lingering about uncomfortably like an unwanted houseguest.

And the Next: (Apparently I haven't been taking my medication) Marquis De Sade - Enlightened visionary, or twisted and disturbed freak?

Yet another: I'm thinking about quitting. Quitting smoking, quitting drinking, quitting being an indecisive, non-confrontational, vague, non-committal bastard. But then I remember I'm not a quitter. I also remember I am a man, and that men have two driving forces in their life (At least if the internet is too be believed) - Avoiding frustration; and sex. A problem really. I seem to have to come to the conclusion that seeking one often leads you further way from the other.

Could another hurt? Probably. But I find that really doesn't stop me from babbling aimlessly and facelessly on the Internet. An intriguing concept really. Fabulous even. Although I must admit a small amount of amazement as too how much some people can take the opinion of one small, nameless, and unidentifiable person so very seriously.

Opinion #1: There are an exceptionally large number of stupid people taking up valuable space on our fair planet. Now, I'm not talking about the person who occasionally makes an error in judgement and does something unwise (Lord knows I'm guilty of that myself). I'm talking about the ones you frequently meet and are always curious as to how they have survived this long on their own.

Opinion #2: Some women are confusing. They desire many of the same things as men - Health, happiness, and sex. They just seem more willing to do without any of it in a simple effort to be spiteful. Spiteful to whom, or why, I have not yet figured out.

Opinion #3: Bush. I realize the word has some appeal to many men on the planet, but I still don't consider it a valid reason for American's to vote for him.

So, to conclude today's meandering I shall leave you with three questions, which I fully expect enlightening answers to. Please do not disappoint me.

Question #1: Seven Deadly Sins and Seven virtues. Why the need for Ten Commandments?

Question #2: Obese people, spandex, and Speedo's?

Question #3: Quiet countryside residence or city life?

For today, that is all.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Good intentions gone bad

Today I fully intended to cover such gripping topics as Crack pipes and Koala Bears, Eucalyptus and the reasons it is bad, Emus and their many uses, and the imminent translocation of penguins from the South Pole to the North. There was to be a discourse on deviant sex and people who watch porn, as well as an enlightening, politically correct explanation on the environmental impact of lavender incense. No blog would be complete without touching on the recently concluded Bush-Kerry debate or the political impact of the release of the Star Wars DVD collection (Coincidence? I think not).

There would, of course, have been the usual debates over the classification of the arctic as a desert, water as a fuel source, cats versus dogs, reasons to worry about wormwood, and whether or not the Pope is an alien.

The virtues of beer, Mike's Hard Lemonade, vodka, tequila, and the ever-popular Bacardi "Bat Juice" were to be discussed in full. As were the reasons not to pick up people after you've consumed copious amounts of any of them. (Proper techniques for extracting yourself from the inevitable "Morning After" were intended as well).

Analysis of anarchy, the chaos theory, Occam's razor, and quantum physics was likely to occur, but not before we had touched on the Space-Time continuum, John Cusack, Quentin Tarantino, Craig Kilborn and the many admirable qualities of Halle Berry, Jill Henessey, Bridget Monayhan, Uma Thurman Jennifer Garner, and Rachael-Leigh Cook.

Other topics that were considered for inclusion: The annoyingly anonymous (Who have been oddly silent recently), Stupid people (Who are annoyingly ever-present), incomprehensible inside jokes (Which are oddly incomprehensible to most), and the Ten Best Reasons to Not Remain Friends with Your Ex.

Today, however, I find myself torn. i am happy, and find it somewhat delightful that two of my favorite people are finally returning to us. I am, however, equally disturbed that two of my favorite people are leaving relatively soon, and that the others are intent on vanishing shortly thereafter.

By the end of the year I quite expect there to be a whole lot of nothing left to look forward too...

Anyway kids... I really should get back to being pretentious, arrogant, insecure, and an amazing number of other things that cause discomfort among others.


For now, before I end up in trouble, I shall return to the isolated hotel that is only lacking someone to knock on the door saying "RedRum" to make it really interesting.

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